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Blinky Lights

June 2007



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- How to use the site -

The entries can all be read in order if you scroll down, after any update announcements. If you add weevils_etc to your LiveJournal Friends List, then you'll only get these announcements, not every entry crashing into your list. This is because the entries are all back-dated to various points in February 2000, to let me keep them in alphabetical order.

Alternatively, the 'tags' box to the right can be used to browse each section by letter, or by episode title. Some entries are general rants about things in the series though, so you won’t see them all if you just go by episode.

- Latest Stats -

Entries: 50

Latest: Fair warning (24/06/07)

- Introduction -

You know what I like? I like Doctor Who. I'm firmly of the opinion that the new series in a master class in reviving a classic show and making it more popular and exciting than ever. I don't like everything they've done, but I can always see the rationale behind it, and it’s all done with best intentions of the show in mind.

This is why I couldn’t do a guide to Who. The web page would read "Isn’t Doctor Who great?" and then there would be quite a bit of blank screen.

Torchwood, on the other hand, I do not like. Sometimes it's the execution, sometimes it's the concepts, sometimes it's Owen saying 'fuck buddies' like a 14-year-old who's just read the term on the internet. The show's a mess, and seems entirely designed to provide plot holes, rubbish characterisation and cringe-worthy dialogue, for the purpose of generating smart-arse remarks. It'd almost be rude not to oblige.

The tone of this site is a bit similar to the excellent Doctor Who 'Complete(ly Unofficial / Useless) Encyclopaedias' by Chris Howarth and Steve Lyons, only without the love of the subject that shines through their books. I've therefore used the subtitle 'The Complete(ly Unaffectionate) Guide to Torchwood' as a tribute.

So, if you’re one of the people who really wish Torchwood had been more cop, but would miss the chance to tear into it if it was, then I hope you enjoy. And if you’re one of those people who voted 'Fantastic! Best of the best (excellent/5)' for Cyberwoman, then… keep taking the Retcon, I suppose.

Love, derooftrouser

Oh, and yes – the name of the web page is a bit inelegant. But that's because it's a quote from the series.

Update 01

Yes, I know, I'm as surprised as you are. Possibly more so, since I actually know how lazy I am.

But never mind that. Ten new entries have been added to The Complete(ly Unaffectionate) Guide.

For ease of reading, they've all been tagged Update 01.

See you in another four months, bile-fans!

Arse, Rhys'

In the shock absence of Captain Jack's, the only bum on display in Torchwood. I can't claim to be a connoisseur of these things, but I doubt the shot of Rhys' made it up to the target demographic.

Like it's hard to see a Welshman's arse anyway. When the Six Nations are on, they go through three gallons of Windolene a week on the glass of the Millennium Stadium commentary booth, they do.

As if by magic, the shopkeeper appeared…

Gutted Rhys, and then vanished again.

That'll teach him to return his fancy dress with chilli sauce on it.


Just to prove I'm not ignoring any success in Torchwood, a full list of the awards the show has received to date:

'Most Pointless Program 2006' – The Independent.

I look forward to the shot of Mr Chibnall holding the trophy aloft in a future DWM.

Of course, if the show wins any other awards, do let me know and I'll update the entry. To First Award Received: 'Most Pointless Program 2006' – The Independent. Accuracy is the cornerstone of good journalism, you know.


Despite Ianto's petulance, more interesting than 'How Automatic Doors Open', even if you haven't just been transported from Post-War Austerity Britain.

Blinky Windscreen Lights

Probably have as much legal weight as the ones on top of Ecto-1. Of course, the main difference is that 'bustin' does not, in any sense, make the Torchwood crew 'feel good'.

Carry On Countrycide

"Need help getting it up, Owen?"
"'Ere, no, that's a big chopper!"
"Hyuk hyuk hyuk."

Now, wouldn’t that have been more enjoyable? Good job there's not a Discontinuity guide for Torchwood, their 'Double Entendre' section would get probably get stuck in a chronic hysterisis if faced with an intentional oo-er.

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